Punk'd

Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin.

Nikita Khrushchev

While I can't exactly relate to this quote from a Cold War relic, I can suggest that what I did see on Friday night was indeed nuts.

How else to describe the music of a spandex-unitard-wearing, screaming, smiling lead singer and his trumpet-playing androgynous mascot wearing a creepy masquerade mask?

I ended up at Kaffee Burger, following the suggestion from the previous night's bartender at a great tapas place whose name escapes me (head to the Hackesher Markt area, and ask for tapas bar. And I would also recommend emphasizing the TAP part, so people don't think you are asking for a topless bar. Just sayin').

All was pretty chill when I walked in, with a DJ playing 80's music and a mixed crowd of 20/30-somethings all dressed down, maybe a little on the skater side. I settled in with a Berliner beer (maybe 2 Euros? cheap!), and watched as the dance floor and stage area quickly filled.

With little fanfare aside from the roar of a knowing crowd, two guys got on stage - one in the classic rocker garb of skinny-ish jeans and a t-shirt and shaggy hair, the other in a black t-shirt and not-so-classic spandex shorts and a Jesper Parnevik-style cap.

Flipping on a backing track with drums, they crashed right into a sort of speed-thrash-whatever style that got the crowd jumping in unison. Apologies for the lack of a description - my musical knowledge, while solid, hasn't reached this genre yet. (After the show I asked around and was told it can be called Dancepunk or Pop-punk). Either way, it was a million times better than Avril Lavigne, lest you be trying to draw comparisons.

They played about 12 songs, each one a mix of really happy anger (if that makes any sense) and incomprehensible lyrics. And several trumpet solos by the masked she-male who seemed to jump up on stage at will and took turns getting fake-beat up by the guitarist and the lead singer.

Confused? Me too. The weirdest part is that it was entirely listenable.

Spee-doh!

You down with FKK? Yeah you know moi!

FKK (pronounced eff-ka-ka) is Freikorperkultur - "Free body culture", and it is described by gridskipper.com as going as far back as the late 19th century. Though practitioners are "nude," they can't really be called nudists. There's a difference, at least in German culture, between FKK and simple nudism. FKK is more than going naked -- it's a practice that has broader philosophical goals. The FKKers are socially and ecologically minded, stripping down in natural environments. And, importantly, there's no eroticization of bodies in FKK.

It was with this daunting but noble premise in mind that I made my way to Liquidrom Berlin, on a rainy and cold afternoon that kiboshed my previous plans for a walking tour of the city. While it is not a "natural environment" at Liquidrom, the casualness and nakedness of the FKK mentality is at the core of the ease with which most German citizens get nekkid.

A German sauna dipped in accessible luxury, Liquidrom is a coed facility with 4-5 different sauna areas, an outdoor hot pool, a solarium with South Beach-like chairs, a bar and restaurant, and best of all a large domed indoor pool.

I arrived at the front desk, paid my 17.50 Euros for 2 hours, was handed my (gulp) black Speedos, and emerged five minutes later into the common area. I haven't worn a Speedo since about the age of 7, so I was slightly less comfortable than Paris Hilton at a spelling bee.

I strode (not at all confidently) to the bar and quickly asked where I could get one of the white robes that a number of the other patrons were wearing. Five Euros later and I was more at ease in my posh fleece, suddenly more Hef than Jeff.

I stayed in that comfortable zone for about a minute, when I was told that wearing swim trunks in the sauna was verboten. What's worse than wearing Speedos in a foreign country surrounded by flabby strangers? NOT wearing Speedos in a foreign country surrounded by flabby strangers.

But I quickly embraced my pioneering spirit, cast aside my prudish-by-comparison North American upbringing, shimmied out of my remaining shred of dignity and plunked myself down au naturel in a glass-front sauna, accompanied by two women and two men. We all sat (one girl was lying down) silently sweating away our inhibitions while I contemplated how alternately liberating and terrifying the experience was.

Overheated (no, not in that way - for every one attractive female figure, there were about 10 palate-cleansing bodies comprised of too much skin and hanging bits), I moved back into the Speedos and went into the aforementioned domed pool area (swim wear in the pools was mandatory).

The indoor pool dome is easily one of the coolest places I've been, with ambient/chillout music, dark alternating red/blue/clear lighting underwater, couples silently murmuring to each other and singles floating in their own contemplative worlds. Picture your favorite late-night lounge, except in water.

Indoor pool area

After a few trips back to the sauna and the pool, a (robed) spot at the bar for some water and a snack, and some interesting sights, I emerged back into the rainy cold a very relaxed new member of the FKK movement. I'm just not sure where to carry my card.

Sights and Sounds (ok, no sound, but words)

Day 1 at the ITB Berlin Travel Trade Show. This thing is huge, with pretty much every country on every continent represented, along with companies that depend on the travel industry and numerous workshops covering the future of wellness to blogging in the industry to UNESCO conferences.

And yet as it turns out a trade show is still, at its core, a trade show.

• Hapless employees manning (or womanning) the booths stare back at passerby with a look of either "Please come talk to me to help me pass the endless tedium" or "Keep moving because I hate my life."

• There is here, as in life, a clear delineation of the haves and the have-nots. Abu Dhabi has a plush 2-level booth including a mysterious stairway flanked by two comely lasses (when asked what's upstairs, they respond only with a mysterious "meetings"). Eritrea, meanwhile, has two short stools and free pens.

• There are the oddball trade show vultures, who try to get their hands on anything that isn't bolted down. Gummy bears, posters, three-headed highlighters, you name it. I have no idea what they do with all this stuff - maybe there's a thriving black market for trade show flotsam.

Here are some of the sights...

Moments before this, the child sitting here was whisked away by Madonna

Part of Colombia's section. Really not sure what to make of this

I guess "Colombia: Way Less Shootings Than Before" was too subtle

A lonely booth

Please write your own caption in the comments area. Winner gets a Berlin U-Bahn map (slightly used)

In the middle of the exhibition, exhibitionists.

This was a packed room. Clearly, blogging is the new black

Somehow Chuck Norris is omnipresent

Moroccan artist working with coloured powders - click on the picture to see his work more closely

Only slightly more popular than the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians

Cool painting

Estonia's slick display area - a photographic forest

No sign of the Jersey Shore crew, thankfully. There might have been a situation

Haggling over haggis?

I have no idea what the fat pirate was representing

A long day ends well

Ich Bin Ein Trade Show Attendee

Greetings from Berlin!

Actually from a Berlin hotel room, as I ponder how to best attack this massive, 10,000 exhibitor-plus Travel Trade Show. I am here covering it as a writer and seeking out opportunities for additional work. As I've never been here before, it also seemed like a great excuse to escape the confines of the Amsterdam apartment.

World's Most Perilous Urinal

(Amersfoort train station, Netherlands, March 10)

The same excuse will also bring me to Malaga at the end of March. Let's just say an Amsterdam winter (and to be fair, all of Europe this year) starts to play tricks on one's mind.

When you're sequestered in your apartment by sideways-blowing rain or just straight showering-with-your-clothes-on rain for what seems like the 100th time, your mind starts to go.

...Hmm, I wonder what shapes my balsamic vinegar will make when it hits the olive oil on my plate? Let's try and make a happy face.

Balsamic Still Life, March 2010

...What's Carlton from the Fresh Prince up to these days? I hope he's well.

...Maybe I should get a tattoo. (This might still happen)

...How about getting vajazzled? (This is less likely to happen)

So you can clearly see that it was time to get out for a bit.

With that, I am off to explore this city for the next 3 days. Auf Wiedersehen.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Shhhh. Very quietly now... I'm keeping my voice down as I'm a little freaked out... I don't want the aliens to hear me.

I assume that there are aliens lurking, that is... they must have travelled via this thing, this yellowish ball in the sky, and I'm not sure what the hell it is.

I have vague recollections of having seen it before, about 4 months ago. The locals even had a name for it... something like "de zon" or "the sun", whatever that is.

Anyway, I'm off to explore this some more, and I may even venture outside without my usual armor of boots, an umbrella, and exasperation.

If I don't report back, it's because they found me, likely on a cafe bench with a crazy grin on my face.

A living or a life?

Forgive me for putting the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" into your head for the rest of the day, but it's been... 5 months:

• since I've seen Crocs (until yesterday, at the airport, when an obvious tourist brought me to jarring halt with her red ones, prompting me to ponder about what else I haven't seen since leaving North America and haven't missed). I considered having her deported.

• since I've entered a Wal-mart, a Superstore, or a Home Depot. And I can't explain, even to myself, why that feels really good.

• since I've heard Nickleback (the enjoyment of this I can explain quite easily).

• since I've scraped ice off a windshield (actually it's been since last winter; but still).

• since the skin on my knuckles have cracked due to the dry Calgary air (also actually since last winter; but still, a nice perk).

• since I've seen a pickup truck, a Lincoln Navigator, or a Ford Excursion.

I won't get into the obvious downsides of missing nieces and nephews, old friends, family, nature, and water pressure - these go without saying.

But overall, from a quality of life perspective, how has it been in comparison between the continents? How to sum things up now that the lustre of a new home has dulled a little?

In Europe, it seems much easier to make a life; in parts of Canada, it's much easier to make a living. One seems to come at the expense of the other, at least for the moment.

Meet Market

I enter the room just like Jean-Claude van Damme when he first enters the Kumite in Bloodsport: cautious, alert, mildly apprehensive but at the same time confident in his abilities.

I boldly insert myself into a conversation between four or five people seated at the bar. My only hope? Some casual conversation with fellow expats while avoiding the Dim Mak (Death Touch).

I'm not at a Kumite, but rather at a gathering created by one of Amsterdam's many organizations devoted to helping buitenlanders like me (and some local Dutch folk as well) meet fellow expats and create some temporary or lasting social connections.

InterNations, ABC, Meetin.org and Meetup.com are the main ones I've come across so far, and each group offers a chance to get off your couch and get into the mix. Amsterdam is a very international city - some 173 nationalities are represented here, according to amsterdam.info. With a common bond of not being from here, away from family and friends, many people need and enjoy a chance to create a home base away from home base.

Each group has its own vibe - a little more business networking here, a little more social there - and it's too soon for me to say which one is which. They all seem very well-run however, with many opportunities to connect with people.

With each, the initial setup is the same - just create an online profile and then hit your first event. The Meetin and Meetup ones have many subgroups aligned to specific interests, so within them you can join a running group, a book club, a meditation posse, a gaggle of footballers, and so on. I even know of one geek who recently joined a Scrabble club...

Overall, it can be pretty tough to establish a network in any new city, but these organizations make it pretty bloody simple.

Olympic Spirit

A lot of questions spring to mind when one sees this billboard all over Amsterdam. What does it mean? Is this an affront to the Canadian flag, or a compliment? What's with the disturbing amount of thigh hair? Why is that strange man taking a photo of it?

I can't answer most of these but I do know that it's an ad for a Dutch radio station, as it turns out. It indicates that a team of DJs - I'm not sure if they are shock (or in this case, sock) jocks - is heading to the Olympics and will be broadcasting live. They want to call attention to their Olympic package, I guess. Perhaps they are feeling cocky about the Dutch team's chances. Who knows?

What we know is that Evers Staat Op - translated loosely, it means Evers Is On, even though the three DJs who comprise the team are named Niels, Edwin, and Rick - is in a specially-built broadcast booth in Holland Heinken House. This is located at the Minoru Arena in Richmond, BC. This is right near the Olympic Oval which will be the focal point of this speed skating nation.

HHH is open daily from 9am to 2am and is fairly mental by most Olympic venues' standards, according to reviews from past Games. Holland Heineken House started at the 1992 Barcelona games, so as a bonus they will be used to the current temperature in Vancouver.

The Dutch are rightfully very proud and supportive of their athletes. Apparently they really do go nuts.

Random

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Nuns

Occasionally, very strange (but hopefully funny) thoughts enter my brain; they may or may not have anything to do with travel. And on slow news weeks, they may appear on these pages.

Quintessential

Winter in Holland, particularly this year's harsher-than-usual version, is a pretty grey and drab affair. But not even the greyest of days could obscure the charm of Leiden, a small town southwest of Amsterdam.

This town - just half an hour's train ride from Amsterdam - is quintessentially Dutch, with its mix of old-world coziness and new-world thinking. Wow, did that ever sound like Tourism 101 - sorry. But it's true. The place is dipped in Dutchness.

Leiden is home to a prominent university (founded in 1575) and has a strong scientific and artistic history. Einstein often visited his fellow scientific homeboys here (you may remember the relative success of MC Squared), and Rembrandt was born here in 1606.

My tour of the city included a visit to De Burcht, a 13th century fortress; a classic Dutch pancake with ham, cheese and mushroom (fantastic), a huge outdoor market, and hours of walking around in general. I even managed to visit the historic Apple store, circa 2003.

The stairway to De Burcht

Windmills in the Mist

Inside De Burcht

A good fit?

Having virtually worn out the only pairs I packed with me four months ago, I picked up a new pair of jeans last week. The experience helped illustrate the answers to some popular questions from friends and family: What's extended traveling and/or moving abroad like? How has the experience been so far?

The same answers would apply to most people moving to most cities, I think. So far, Amsterdam has been a lot like a new pair of (pricey) jeans:

• Maybe you've had your eye on a pair for some time, especially if you're tired of the ones you wear every day. So you do some homework, decide to try them on and then lay some money down.

• At first, they're restrictive and uncomfortable in some places, familiar and forgiving in others. To find your way in a new city or new denims some, er, adjusting is required. For the city part, it's a sort of mental package adjustment, if you will. (Bad visual - sorry. But it works as a metaphor).

• From some angles, they look great. Others, not so much. So you make it a point to try to keep focusing on the more favourable angles and not the bad ones, although you do ask questions and have doubts sometimes. (The old standard female question might work here: Does this city make my ass look fat? To which there is rarely a safe or clear answer)

• There is already a sense, at times, that they may well turn into your favorite pair in a few weeks or months. They become the best pair you've ever had and wow are you ever glad you made the commitment. They make you feel like a cool A-list celebrity. Or they may remain on the second shelf, the pair that looked good on display but ultimately weren't for you. They turn into a pair of Ed Hardys on that doughy deadbeat Jon Gosselin.

• Which pair will Amsterdam turn out to be for me? Right now it's anyone's Guess...